Daycare/Sick babies suck!

I actually starting writing this post about a month ago, but things just got so hectic I couldn't finish. The reason they were hectic, you guessed it....starting daycare, followed swiftly by getting sick

First off there is nothing wrong with sending your kid to daycare.  I hate reading about blogs and websites that caution against daycare because "the place a baby learns best is with its mother...".  Now the fact that mother is always specified aside, daycare is a very useful tool for the working parent.  JW goes three days a week and seems to really love it.  The staff is nice (although the morning lady is a bit odd) and JW gets to see other babies, something he doesn't get to experience at home.

Go and visit your daycares before you send them.  Get references!  Make sure to properly explore all your options before making a daycare decision.  Also don't let people guilt you into not taking price into consideration.  Price is a consideration and just because something is more expensive doesn't mean its better.  JW goes to the middle of the road option and seems to really love it.

Now the next big thing is be prepared for a month and a half of everyone in your house getting sick!  There just isn't any avoiding it.  Your baby has been in the safety bubble of home, where the amount of germs is greatly limited.  Once he goes to daycare he is exposed to everything, so be prepared.  Now that isn't saying that your baby getting sick is a bad thing either.  Our pediatrician said we had two options; either he gets sick now or he doesn't go to daycare and gets sick when he starts kindergarten.

Just hang in there.  We went through about a month and a half of really tough sickness going around the fam but we seem to have finally (knock on wood) gotten through it.

Naps part 1

Sorry for the delay in updates everyone, things have been crazy lately.  I figure the best way to get back into the groove of writing is to write about something excellent...I give you napping.

Anyone who has ever been to college (especially MMA) knows how amazing the nap is.  Probably the single most powerful thing in the universe, its even more powerful when it is a baby.  Right around 4 months our pediatrican, Dr. G, said that JW was really just crying to get attention and that, if we wanted to, we could start to let him cry it out a bit.

I know that there is a split in the parenting world about letting your baby cry it out.  Some view it as harsh and think that it will build trust issues between baby and parent.  I am going to call Shenanigans on that.  Anyone who has been a parent for more than a month knows how drained and exhausting having to hold the baby at all times is.  Yes its wonderful and fun, but it also can kind of suck.  Being able to put him down, even for an hour, gives mommy and daddy a much needed rest.

We did a bit of a modified cry it out method.  After we had our bedtime routine (food, bath, books, song, bed)  we would leave the room, putting JW down awake.  This is key to this method, putting them down awake starts to teach them to put themselves to sleep.  Then he would cry....

Yes your baby will cry.  No way around it there will be crying.  At first there will probably(definitely) be a lot of crying.  Then, as time goes on, the idea is that crying gets less and less.  Eventually your baby will be able to put themselves to sleep.  The thing that I have found is that its not the real time frame of the crying that should bother you, its the type of crying.  Obviously 45 minutes of crying is a pain, but remember you can always go in and give him a pacifier or rub his back for a minute.  The only time that you should pick him up is when his cry hits a level that you know he isn't going to go to sleep anytime soon.  You can hear it in the tone of the cry, there will be a change.  Once that change happens MW or I go in, pick up the baby, and burp and rock him for a minute then put him back down.  Follow this routine and, hopefully, your baby will begin to cry less and go to sleep easier

Now here are some things that we read online that just don't happen (or didn't happen to us so really bank on them not happening.  If they happen great!)

-Do not bank on your baby being able to put himself to sleep in a couple of days.  Its probably going to take longer.  Even if it doesn't take longer remember that things can change at any time and he could all of a sudden have trouble going to sleep again.

-Limit checking on the baby.  It gets heart wrenching to go up every 2 minutes and try and put the pacifier back in. Don't do it!  Try and wait at least 10 minutes before you go up and try to calm the baby.  Also if they are just fussing a bit leave them.  They won't learn until they practice and practice=time and crying

-Don't put your monitor on full blast.  Monitors are great, but having the volume turned way up will just stress you out and make you want to go check on them more.  Our model of monitor has a camera and a light that shows when the baby is crying, this has been great for us.  I turn off the volume all together and turn the monitor off.  This allows a quiet environment for the parents, but i can still see how much the baby is crying by looking at the light bar.  I am not saying you have to shut off the volume, but the more relaxed you are the better.

Sorry for the bad writing/disjointed thought.  Been a while since I wrote, but I will write more and hopefully it will get better!

Also I am going to write a couple more posts on naps, as they really are important!

I love food time!!

Money part 2--Unemployment and getting overwhelmed

Throughout MW's pregnancy a recurring question I have heard from many of my guy friends is money. In all fairness I think that MW has heard quite a bit of that too, so it's not just a guy concern. Since MW lost her job and is trying to set up unemployment I figured another Money post would be good.

In this money post I want to touch on two things; Unemployment/losing your job and becoming overwhelmed.

First off lets talk about losing your job. Losing your job at any time can be a crushing thing, losing your job while 32 weeks pregnant is usually devestating. MW and I are lucky becuase I have a good job and because we had planned for her to stop working right after JW is born. That being said it was still a jolt to hear that her company had gone under. Unfortunaetly I was stuck behind an overturned milk truck on my way to board a ship in Montreal (a story for another post), but being stuck behind that milk truck did help me put together what I wish I could do.

The first thing would have been to go home and just chill for a second, let your mind catch up to everything that has happened. Then my next thought would be to not think about money and do something that you know you enjoy. I am not saying to go spend a ton of money going out to eat or something like that, but do something that you know will make you at least a little happy.

After some happy time it is time to sit down and figure out money. FIRST ON YOUR LIST IS FILE FOR UNEMPLOYMENT!! We found out that unemployment can take up to 4 weeks to take effect and a month without any income will be enough to make many people feel a bit sick! Then sit down and see where you can make cut Hopefully you have already put some thought into a budget for after the baby comes, I would use that as your starting point.

If you can make cuts to some of the entertainment and extra spending do it, but you need to remember to do fun things still or else depression can set in. Getting depressed is worse than being poor people so remember to treat yourself right! For MW and I the cuts will come from food. We love to go out to eat and that will just have to take a little break until unemployment kicks in and we can reassess our finances. Instead of a dinner at Sylvan Street Grill, we will just have to have a nice home cooked meal at home.

If you decide you want/need to go back to work then start looking immediately. Collect unemployment as you look and start sending out resumes, as often and as many as you can. Get your name out there, if there is a get together/networking event go to it!

The fundamental fear of losing your job is the lack of money, however that fear is not reserved for those who loose their job. For MW and I one of the two biggest worries/issues during pregnancy (and life for that matter) has been money.

Money is terrifying and that's ok! I really want everyone to know that. Lots of guys take money as their issue, but it's both of your issues guys. Talk to your partner and make sure that expectations are correct for what you can afford, that is the most important thing.

Make sure to support each other as you tackle money issues. If you have a couple trusted friends/family members that you can vent to that is also a plus. Venting to an outside party is always better than blowing up at your partner because of something like money.

Remember you are in this together, just like you are with pregnancy!!

The forgotten member of pregnancy

I have mulled over how to write this post for quite a long time, in fact it is the reason I started this blog in the first place. After a tough couple of weeks I have decided now is as good a time as ever.

MW has been pregnant for 32 and half weeks and has been bombarded with questions from people. How are you feeling? How are your ankles? Are you eating enough? Are you exercising?

I myself, besides by MW herself and one or two friends, have been asked one question. How is MW?

I understand that the mom to be is the main attraction in pregnancy. And that is the way it should be, but people need to remember that the dad to be is going through this as well. It becomes very lonely when people don't really care how you feel. Luckily I have the most amazing wife in the world and she can always tell when I am feeling a bit down and she makes me feel better.

The issues felt by the men are often different than the issues that woman experience. The two biggest issues I have found is that I have zero control over what happens and I have zero identity in this process

The hardest thing I have had to do so far is watch MW go through all of the Gestational Diabetes issues. I have watched her have low numbers (yay), high numbers (boo), and I have consistently had to watch her be disappointed with her morning levels. It is heartbreaking to watch MW be disappointed with something she really has little to no control over. Luckily we had each other and a couple of friends that have really helped her feel better and laugh. No one except for MW and one other friend have asked me if this is having any type of effect on me...unreal.

Often people do not think of men having issues because the woman's hormones have changed so much and they are, rightfully so, a bit hormonal. However I want to put this out there right now, our hormones change too. No its not the same hormonal changes as a woman by far, but its still there. We are scared for no reason, upset for random things, elated at times and down in the dumps at others. So everyone should just remember that before stomping on a dad to be hormonal mindset

The other major issue I have is that people seem to think that all men are so dumb they cant tie their own shoes. I am so sick of people telling me how I am going to have to get used to poop and I don't understand it blah blah. I am not dumb, in fact I think I am a rather clever person. Shit happens, get over it and move on. Yes sometimes I won't want to change diapers or clean up vomit, but I will because that's a parents job. Men can figure out diapers and feedings and temperature and putting a baby to sleep. One of the MILLIONS of things I love about MW is she sees this. She sees how excited I am and understands that I am just as valuable as she is in this process. So thank you for the offer but we will place our changing table where we want, figure out baby placement and sleeping how we want, and expose our baby to things we feel are safe and good for their development. When we want help we will ask for it, don't worry

I am sick of hearing about a woman's "mystical connection" with her child. Your connection with your child is what you get out of it and there are plenty of excited and devoted fathers to be that are itching at the opportunity to learn these things and become part of their babies life. That being said gentleman it is your responsibility to get involved so get off your butts and do it. Be involved in this process, you may find out you really enjoy it. And even if you don't love the poop and pee parts (not sure who really loves that part) Everyone poops and everyone throws up so don't be afraid and get over it.

Now this post sounds like its me rambling, bitching and complaining...which is exactly what it is. Sometimes that happens everyone so get it out, then move on Luckily I have a fantastic wife and a couple great friends who have really tried hard to make sure both of us are doing well.

Lots of guys may not have that, so here is my two cents. You are doing well! If you are scared or nervous that is a good thing! Just keep pushing through and find one or two people who understand you and you can make it through! Despite what 90% of websites say you are wired for this just as much as your significant other is. So go do it!

A list of Dad-related sites

Hi all. I found this list of dad-related sites from a daddy-blogger I follow on Twitter. I haven't gone through this list yet, but I wanted to put it out there as a possible info source for anyone who wants to browse through. It may also be a good resource for any moms to be.

Here it is

The excitement is building

So my friend from work is just back from "paternity leave" (aka vacation time in the US, but I digress) and I am getting really excited for August for when our lil guy comes.

Since TN is back I have a million questions running through my head that I want to ask, but I have decided that a couple of days to get back into the flow of things at work is probably good. If you have someone that has recently had a baby do not be afraid to use that person as a resource, just make sure to allow them some time to get back into the work flow.

Things have become much more real and MW and I have a palpable excitement now. Name is pretty well decided, nursery is underway, MW is obviously showing now, and the baby is moving around all the time. Pretty much every night before bed is talk to the baby/feel him quick time. So exciting!

I don't have any real information to pass on right now except to say that feeling excitement like this is awesome and everyone should enjoy it when it happens! Sure having a baby is a little nerve wracking, but at the same time its just an amazing feeling!

This is the type of parent you DON'T want to be

This is the type of parent you don't want to be.

This woman is just nuts. First of all she is sexist, a father can know just as much/more than a mother. Just because you are a mom doesn't mean you have some sort of cosmic connection to your child. In fact it's that kind of thinking that leads to being an over powering parent who kids want to rebel against.

Second of all this guy needs to grow up. Your a father for goodness sake, not a second child to your wife. You shouldn't just bow to your spouse, you need to take an active part. Bowing out just means you are to lazy to do the work that comes with being a parent.

You need to share parenting responsibilities. Period. There shouldn't have to be a discussion about this, it's the best thing for your child. Sit down, talk it out and work together to provide the best environment you can for your child. Don't assume that you know more because you are a mom or dad with some sort of strange spiritual bond with your child.

You have a kid, you better be around

So one of the main reasons that I started this blog was because I had no real idea what I was going to face with a little guy on the way. Sure there was the lack of internet material related to men raising children (really the lack of ANY material), but the biggest problem I had was the distance with my dad. In a generation where divorce rates have gone up this is probably an issue many of us have had to face. So I figured I would share my story and hopefully it helps.

Now I want to preface this by saying its not like I had a tough childhood, because I really didn't. In fact my childhood was a very good one, full of love and fun times. That being said I didn't have the "idyllic" childhood that people often think of. When I was in middle school my dad started to drink at a pretty good rate and, by high school, he was a full blown alcoholic.

The main issue that I had was not the fact that he was a drunk, that was his choice. My main issue was the effect that it had on my brother and I. I felt like I had to jump up into the "man of the house" role, which I was most certainly not ready for at 15. I became someone for my mom to talk to and readily accepted the thought of being the "responsible" man in the house.

Readily accepted or not it was not my job to do that. I still went out with friends and had a grand old time, but always in my head there were worries. " Would we have enough money to get the things we needed?Would we have to go bail him out..again? Would everything turn out ok?" After a while I learned to deal with them and moved on, but even now they run through my head.

There were fights and there were times I was kicked out of the house. It always seemed to work itself out in the end, but that doesn't mean it didn't leave its mark. Humans are made to adapt and that's what I did. I structured my life by going to a paramilitary school. I learned to compartmentalize my thoughts and deal with my issues in a very black and white way.

It doesn't matter what their problem is (alcohol, drugs, gambling, work) it always comes down to one thing, greed. Now many would disagree and say that the first three are a disease and that many fathers work to make sure their kid has a good life. I would say thats baloney, its all about greed.

Do not force your children to pick up your slack. Your the parent and its your responsibility to take care of the kids, not the other way around. Think before you do things, not only about yourself, but about them. It is unfair to force a child to shoulder the burden of an adult, they will be there soon enough so give them a childhood.

The best thing that a father (or mother) can provide for their child is themselves. Yea money is great and so is stuff, but you are the real thing the baby needs. So take the time to watch a sports game, play house/trucks/dolls, and just hang out with your kid. 'You will be amazed at the things you will learn about them and yourself.

Daddy hormones...yes those are out of whack too!

One of the stereotypical things associated with pregnancy is the changes (sometimes drastic changes) in the mother to be's hormones. People seem to think that most woman are walking time bombs ready to go off at any minute. Luckily for my, that has not been the case with MW. She has only had one little freak out and has been a champ her entire pregnancy so far. She has also gone out of her way to make sure that my hormones are recognized too. Yes gentleman, your hormones will run wild as well.

Often ignored, the hormones of men change during pregnancy as well. It is not all the same types of hormones as woman, but often there is a similar result. Men can get very needy/nervous/hyper and often times are overlooked during pregnancy. Hormones in men are often something that people, especially the men experiencing them, pretend don't exist. This makes dealing with them even more difficult as they do not want to accept they may be acting out of the ordinary.

Because of the perception of mens hormones there seems to be little advice regarding them. It seems to be unacceptable for guys to act hormonal in society, so guys you and your partners need to figure this out.

The best way I have seen in dealing with hormones in anyone is understanding. By knowing yourself and knowing your partner you can tell when something is off. When you have that good base understanding of each other it is much easier to deal with hormones. And guys just accept you have hormones and get on with it. It has nothing to do with being manly, without hormones you wouldn't be alive!

Be understanding! Should hormones be an excuse for acting like an ass, no they shouldn't. However the whole idea of a relationship is understanding that sometimes right and wrong are not what matters. There have been plenty of times where I am raging about something and MW brings me out for some buffalo wings, despite the fact I am the one being ridiculous. You just need to do your best to keep your hormones in line and reciprocate when your partners hormones are out of whack. Guys is it really going to hurt you to watch Chocolate or something like that if your lady wants it?

There is no point to being in a relationship without that kind of understanding. Your significant other is supposed to be your right hand person, not someone you pick fights with all the time! Remember to treat yourself and your partner well. Take care of yourself and don't feel bad about doing something you like!

What's not to love about a registry?

In my experience registry, whether it be a baby or wedding registry, is stereotypically a female job. The thought is that the ladies like to shop and are much better than us. That's a silly thought for many reasons, here are the two biggest I have run into: Knowledge base and excitement level. Let me explain

I love babies, always have. That being said it has been quite a long time since I have had any type of baby in my immediate family. Yes I had had cousins and 2nd cousins, but you really don't see all of the stuff that is involved when you see them at holidays. When MW and I went to babies are us to start thinking about our registry I was completely in awe at the amount of things I had never even heard of, let alone seen. There were many different types of bottles, changing tables, strollers (with and without a built in removable car seat), bumpers, feeding towels etc. At first it was a bit overwhelming, but just think of it like you would any kind of hobby, there are hundreds of neat little things you can get to make life easier. MW was very patient and walked around the entire store introducing and explaining new and interesting baby materials.

Guys why would you not want to be a part of this? This is your excuse to act like a kid and explore. Pick things up, pull them, push them find out how they work. That is the way to become familiar with all of these different things that you will be using over the next couple of years. Find someone knowledgeable (in this case MW is the oldest of 6, enough said) and have at it. PLEASE view this as something that you should be involved in! This is one of the activities that are not only fun, but will give you valuable info on all the random toys and devices you didn't even know existed.

If push comes to shove and you still don't want to do the registry it will make your wife/girlfriend happy, so go. Maybe she will even let you use the little scan gun and you can run around pretending your fighting Nazi's or something.

Telling your Parents

So far in our pregnancy there has been one part that both of us have had the most issues (but also the most excitement) about doing....Telling our parents.

Now a little background on our parents:

My parents are split up with my brother living with my mom and my dad living by himself.

MW's parents are together with 5 kids still at home ranging from 8-22 years old.

Neither of these situations makes for the easiest pass of information between everyone. When we started out the first person we told was not our parents, it was one of our work friends. Being the sharing people that we are, MW and I couldn't wait to tell people. Telling your parents seems like such a big task when facing it, while telling a couple good friends may be much easier. It is ok to tell someone else before your parents, don't feel bad about.

That being said you need to tell your parents in a pretty speedy manor. Below is a brief synopsis of how we told our parents.

Luckily my mom had wanted to get together for a couple of weeks so we picked a weekend and agreed to meet for food and the football game. After about an hour of small talk we decided we really needed to tell her, so we did. Simple as that. We said we have something to tell you and poof it was done. This seemed the most direct and simple way to let her know.

We tried to take the same approach with MW's parents, but the logistics of getting both parents alone with 5 kids in the house is daunting. After playing phone tag for 2 or 3 weeks it came to the point where MW had to tell her mother over the phone. This may not be the first option for most, but that doesn't mean it isn't the best. After speaking with her mom we finally nailed down a date where we could tell her dad in person and talk about how amazing it was.

My dad was a different matter all together. Because I don't see him all that often getting a hold of him, even on the phone, proved to be very difficult. He had changed his phone number and hadn't told us yet, so I kept getting a disconnected message. It ended up that after about 3 or 4 months we had to get in touch with my aunt (who we adore so it wasn't a big deal). After we had dinner and told my aunt she made sure my dad got back to me in a timely manner.

Now what did we learn from this long, drawn out process? (like I said my dad didn't know until around 4 months) We learned that telling people is the greatest/most nerve wracking thing we had to do up until that point. Below is a small list of things we learned that may help

• Don't worry about it--Having to wait so long in between telling our parents was nerve wracking. Sometimes parents are elated, sometimes they are a bit shook up, and usually they just want to go and tell someone themselves. After you give them some time to get used to the news lay some ground rules. Give them a schedule and a date of when they can tell people themselves. In my case there was no way I was going to wait to get a hold of my dad, once MW's parents knew then we gave them the go ahead. Try and tell your parents as close together as possible, that way you cut down on the jealous "you told x first??" attitude(luckily we had none of that)
• You are in charge-- For many people this is a new thing. You are completely in charge of this situation. Your parents can have their opinions, but they don't mean beans unless you decide they do. If you want to tell a friend before them do it, and if they are the jealous type you don't need to tell them. Listen to their advice, but if you don't like something say "thank you", go home and don't worry about it. You can do what you want. That being said parents are a wonderful resource so don't dismiss everything they say before taking a look at it.
• Do not tell them names you are thinking of-- To me this was a bit of an eye opener. Parents don't always think before they talk and often times you get a "you can't use that name" kind of look/statement. Well forget them, its your baby name it what you want. Don't listen to the hoopla from them, it's you and your partners decision.

• Listen to your body before you listen to your parents--At this point I would like to say that, beyond EMT training, I have had no medical training. That being said your body isn't stupid, it knows what it needs. You listen to your parents and doctors, but often times not your body. Eat what your body tells you and don't feel bad about it. Now obviously that doesn't mean eat an entire cow or a small field of cocoa, but don't doubt yourself. If you have a question use your parents and your doctor. USE BOTH, you may be surprised at the difference you hear.

This is only a short list and a brief overview of what happened when we told our parents. Please if you have questions, comments, whatever let me know. MW and I were engaged for two years before we got married and pregnant, so we know how families can be. Ev

My first reaction

So the best place to start is the beginning.

Let me set the scene. It was early-mid January when a large snow storm hit Boston. Both myself and MW's (my darling wife) work had been cancelled due to the blizzard. As I sit lay on the bed watching some tv MW drops a bomb..... "I'm going to take a pregnancy test, ok?" ( Side note, MW's says we had been discussing, I seemed to have misplaced that in my memory) Before the test was even done, we had our answer. "Well maybe that test was broken." Another test later we again had our answer. Also just fyi I was not pregnant, pregnancy tests apparently come in 3 packs.

The first emotion wasn't really an emotion at all, it was just numbness. We hadn't been trying to get pregnant, but at the same time we had discussed it before. The only thing that crossed my mind was: ok, is MW ok?

I asked her and she looked at me incredulously, seemingly thinking the same about me. After the initial shock we sat down and talked. This is KEY.

As I said in my previous post communication is the key. Panicking (although it happens and is normal) doesn't help anyone. By sitting down and talking about what we were feeling we came to grips very quickly. You are both freaked out, so remember to support your partner and let them support you.

Men especially are notorious for being the "big tough guy" Yea I get it, you're buff, now shut up and relax. No one is 100% put together after they hear the good news, even if you are trying for it. Its nerve wracking to find out you will be a father/mother.

At this point the best advice I can give is to relax, watch a movie or listen to music, and just be with your partner. You can talk if you want to, but I felt it took a long time for the news to set in and for me to wrap my mind around what was going on. In our case MW and I scraped 2 feet of snow off our cars and cooked breakfast before we sat down and had a legit serious conversation.

Most of that day was spent alternating between sitting on the couch, cuddling on the couch, or putting as much space between each other on the couch as possible. We even went so far as to watch a documentary on the human body, with a whole section on pregnancy. Just remember that if you feel confused and scared than they feel just as confused and scared. Its stupid to say that you and your partner are going through the same feelings and thoughts, but communication is the key. Sit, talk, cry, laugh and let what happens happen. When you get to the end you will be much more able to form a coherent plan, at this point worry about yourselves and then move on from there.

Welcome aboard

Welcome aboard the good blog, Pregnancy: The Final Frontier, my name is Chris and I will be your captain for today.

I started this blog when my wife, the lovely MW from Thinking, and I found out that we were pregnant. We are due August 27th and this will be our first baby! Obviously it is a big shock to find out that you are expecting, especially when you were not necessarily trying, so I turned to the internet for advice. Alas it doesn't seem that men are really thought about in the process of pregnancy. I found lots of stuff geared towards moms to be (henceforth known as MTB's) ranging from what to expect to how to deal with obnoxious mother in laws, but us Dad to be's (DTB's) were kind of left out to sea by ourselves. So I decided I would try and give all those interested a view into the process for myself.

I am not really positive in what direction the blog will go, but I do know that this is not a guy-only blog. It is impossible to separate MTB's and DTB's so lets get that off straight out. If you think all roles are separate and defined than you are in trouble my friend. The whole idea of parenthood (and really any relationship in general) is compromise and communication. Yes teamwork is great and there are a list of others that make the top 10, but the most important two are compromise and communication. I want all points of view here so I will link to feminist websits, pro daddy websites (if I find any good ones), science blogs, and any other good reference I find.

So this is my thought process and we will see where it goes from here. Please feel free to comment or ask questions!